she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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