If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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