Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize