Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
