I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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