listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
