I'm going to jail i love you
I think I won the penis lottery.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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