He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize