your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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