Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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