he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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