Tell her she can't have a vagina
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
