i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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