I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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