I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i think we sleep fucked last night...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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