Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
