some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize