need another drink. this is the easiest way
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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