ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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