onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize