You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
