My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize