went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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