my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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