either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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