i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
