I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
