grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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