she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize