isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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