It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
