you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
