Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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