Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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