The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
