I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
