i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
