shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
