I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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