His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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