have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
