so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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