am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
