Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
