Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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