she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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