My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
