i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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