These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Randomize
