you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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