good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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