I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize