connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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