R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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