I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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