Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
