3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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