My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
