Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
