seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
