i think i have two assholes
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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