loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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