I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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