woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just sent this text using only my big toe
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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