I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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