at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize