I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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