I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize