I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize