and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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