Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
