My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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