I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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