I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
