you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
