Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize