I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
