is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
