Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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